'Speed Racer' Movie Review

Speed Racer has the dubious distinction of being the only movie I’ve ever sat through while wishing I’d been born colorblind. An hour into Speed Racer, the phrase “What were they thinking?” was pounding around in my head, begging me to open my mouth and scream it out loud. Two hours into Speed Racer and try as I might I couldn’t come up with one act I’d committed that was so despicable I deserved to be plunged into this cinematic, eyeball melting hell as punishment.

I don’t have any memories of ever watching the Speed Racer series; the only thing I knew about Speed Racer before sitting through the movie was that it had an annoying theme song that worms its way into your brain and refuses to be pushed out, no matter what other tunes you try and overwrite it with. So I went into the Speed Racer movie without any real knowledge of the original story. That said, here’s what I was able to gather from watching the Wachowski Brothers’ take on the classic anime series: The Racer family is a family of racers. Obviously. Big corporations are evil and little mom & pop joints are the good guys. Also very obvious. Little boys who have monkeys as best friends are really weird, but much more entertaining than anything else in the Wachowskis’ Speed Racer world. These are the conclusions I’ve come to after watching this film which assails your eyes in ways that ought to be illegal.

What I can’t understand, and what I wish I’d have 10 minutes alone with the Wachowskis to sort through, is who did they make this film for. The nearest I can figure out is they were trying to appeal to everybody and not just kids, and in the process wound up with a film so disjointed, so poorly plotted out, that there is no real target audience.

Speed Racer starts out with a flashback to young Speed meeting young Trixie, the perky girl who’ll be his best friend and love interest into his adult years. It’s a cute story and works well in the ‘60s acid trip coloring the Wachowskis coated the film in. And the scenes setting up young Speed’s absolute adoration of his big brother Rex (Scott Porter) and Rex’s eventual split from his family do the job of drawing you into the film. But, they also lull you into believing there’s a real heart-tugging story at the center of this maddeningly bright cotton candy world. The story then moves on to the grown up Speed (Emile Hirsch) thundering down race courses with his team – Mom Racer (Susan Sarandon), Pops Racer (John Goodman), Spritle Racer (Paulie Litt), simian family member Chim Chim, Trixie (Christina Ricci), and Sparky (Kick Gurry) - rooting him on every inch of the way. Once it leaves the younger Speed behind, the heart goes out of Speed Racer.

Things take a darker turn as the mysterious Racer X (Matthew Fox) appears on the scene. Racer X wears skintight leather, a mask, and goggles so no one will know who he really is (Lost fans will immediately recognize the chiseled jawline of Dr Jack Shephard). Racer X is out to put an end to corruption in the sport of racing, and he needs help from, you guessed it, Speed.

Now this all would be interesting if it weren’t for the fact the action keeps coming to a complete standstill so that every little tiny minute detail can be completely explained ad nauseam. Everyone talks and talks and talks and it’s all just blah, blah, blah we’re hearing. This company hates that company. Everyone wants Speed to race for them. Pops Racer already pushed out one son and if he doesn’t watch it, he’ll alienate another. Racer X is on a mission. Trixie wants to be kissed, and Speed thinks he’s Elvis incarnate.

And then after being subjected to the seemingly never-ending tirades by powerful corporate guys, Speed Racer hits the race track. But it’d be foolhardy to assume that the racing scenes are showstoppers. If you can figure who’s where on the track and what exactly is going on, then you’ve got one up on me. There’s so much slamming and bamming and flying cars and weird shots of announcers telling us what we’re watching, that it just slams you into sensory overload. Now that wouldn’t be horrible if, and that ‘if’ is the keyword here, it wasn’t so damned repetitive and boring. You may ask how something so visually wild and full of action could possibly be boring. I have no real explanation for how that was accomplished, but I do know I was bored out of my skull by the time the final race rolled around.

You can’t blame this mess on the actors. From Hirsch as Speed to Ricci as the adorable Trixie to Sarandon as the pancake-baking mom, Speed Racer’s well cast and well acted. The fact Speed Racer doesn’t work rests squarely on the shoulders of those Matrix fellows, Larry and Andy Wachowski. When a monkey flinging poo is the best scene of a tent pole summer movie with a budget estimated to be around $100 million, you know the filmmakers have missed their target.

GRADE: D+

Speed Racer was directed by the Wachowski Brothers and is rated PG for sequences of action, some violence and language.

Theatrical Release Date: May 9, 2008